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Poems By Poet Amanda Saveley  1/31/2015 4:35:56 PM
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  AMANDA SAVELEY (December 29,1987)

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Confessions of a Bound Soul

Brother, my brother,
How selfish was I
While you seemed to struggle,
I sat idly by

Brother, my brother
Yes, try as I might
I now realize
It was also my fight

Brother, my brother
Now look at your arm
It's cold and immovable
Lost all its charm

Brother, my brother
Now look at your leg
There's so much left missing
Yet not once did you beg

Brother, my brother
Though I lost more in mass
It is you far more haunted
By our mistakes in the past

Brother, dear brother
Listen when I say
I will stick by your side
Until this goes away

Brother, dear brother
Listen when I say
I will stick by your side
Until our final day
Amanda Saveley



A Final Resolution

Spending time alone pondering
The mysteries of life and my own twisted psychology
Writing and sleeping like both are the plague
Not able to avoid that which makes me insane
Can't break the chains that bind me near
Can't hold me down if you're not here

Hate is a strong word
But I really really really don't like you
In fact my dislike almost consumes my love
Erasing you from memory

You were what I lived for
The one reason I stayed
In this meaningless existance
You taught me how to have an opinion
But not how to make one
The outer shell of my strength you built
But now I see the vulnerable core exposed

Hate is a strong word
But I really really really don't like you
I'd rather forget you
But you're always there...

When I look in the mirror
When I write my name
When I am sentimental
You know you are to blame
When I look in the mirror
I don't like what I see
But I will do anything anything anything
To separate you and me

Hate is a strong word
But I really really really really really
Don't care anymore
I'll throw you away like you just did to me
Pretend you aren't part of my life
Detach myself like you are made of fire

My mind is all made up
I'm doing what I can
I'm trying hard to think
But I don't understand
My head is spinning round
I don't know what to do
And now it's always raining
You're the one to blame

I wanna hear
What you've got to say
But now when you open your mouth
I'll just turn and walk away

Now that it's over, you can't hurt me
Now it's all over, you can't bring me down
Amanda Saveley



Because You Can't Have Your Cake And Eat It Too

'Happy Birthday. I love you.'

It's so unusual that I could say that at midnight tonight and be shooting it out in two different directions. But it makes sense, in a poetically ironic way. I feel like the day I met them was the day I finally split in half.

I want so much to be everything to both of them, but I can't.
Because it’s not smart.
Because it's not socially acceptable.
Because it's not healthy.
Simply put.

That doesn’t make me feel any different.
Does it hurt? Mostly.
And I wish I could save my life to this particular point, hit the “reset” button at the end of my life and do things differently.

I tried out the words on my tongue last night…
The ones I’ve been playing over in my head lately, just to see how they sound.
I’m testing the water to make sure I don’t drown in the other pond, you know?
And he was so hurt. The worst part of it all is that I couldn’t bring myself to feel bad about anything other than the fact that I was hurting him. I was sorry for his sadness, but it didn’t change my mind about what was making him sad.

I simply can’t breathe anymore in this space. I’ll die if I try to keep it all in. There are so many things I really want to say, in order to make everything okay for both of them. I’ve even considered cutting them both off, because I honestly believe they’d both be better off if they didn’t have to deal with my indecisive bullshit.

Instead, I’ll just wait until the hands meet at the top of the clock later tonight and say to myself what I could easily say to either of them.

“Happy Birthday. I love you. I’m sorry.”
Amanda Saveley



You Can Change Your Name, but You Can't Change Your Mind

I left home
My choice, but the manner was not select
Goodbyes to friends, family, streets, buildings
All familiar...then
I changed my room,
Cut and died my hair
Switched gears, got a car, learned to drive right
Traded friends
Severed ties, making new
Gained weight,
Started college...
Nothing's the same.

And I hate it.
Amanda Saveley

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Poems By Poet Amanda Saveley