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Best Poems From
LAURENCE OVERMIRE
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533.
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Welcome To It
Good
Mor—
Ning! ! !
Welcome to Suburbia, USA
We have everything you need here
You don’t even have to think
Sit back
Relax
and
Watch television
That’s our motto.
Oh, but be sure to keep your lawn mowed
We don’t like people who don’t mow their lawns
Or rake their leaves
And—
If you’d like some excitement
May we recommend one of our many
Malls
We have indoor, outdoor, and combinations of the two
Any kind of mall you can think of
We have it
And we all do our hair there
Felix of Paris is especially good
And here in Suburbia
We take pride in our fine dining establishments
No, you’ll never go happy in our hungry little haven—
Oops, I said that wrong
Silly me
I meant never go hungry in our happy little haven
(We don’t allow homeless people, by the way)
Let’s see, we have three Bob Evans, a Wendy’s, two Big Boy’s, a Burger King
A McDonald’s on almost every corner
And we even have an International House of Pancakes
For those of you with more exotic tastes
So whatever you’re in the mood for
We have it.
Oh, and every summer
We have what we call our Big Barbecue Roast
With pork rinds, beer
And a big dead pig that we roast on a spit
Don’t miss that
It’s the highlight of the year.
Oh, there’s just a few things you need to know if you want to fit in
And we do want you to fit in
We’re one big happy family here in Suburbia
So whenever you talk to someone else make sure you smile and don’t get angry
We don’t like emotion
Just stuff all those icky feelings inside and pretend they aren’t there
And if you really must express yourself
Do it at home.
Personally, I think it’s a good idea to have at least four or five kids
So that whenever you get really mad
There’s always at least one kid available
To take it out on.
Now, as long as we’re talking about family
I must say
We do believe in family values here
We don’t allow our young people to smoke, drink, do drugs, or have sex before marriage
Now I know you may have heard that three of our high school
Cheerleaders got pregnant this year
But we kicked them out of the National Honor Society
...and made them sit through six weeks of sermons by the Rev. Oral G. Spittle
I think that sent a really strong message to our young people that we don’t condone that sort of thing
Adults, of course, can smoke and drink all they want
But again, appearances are very important, so we ask that you try to restrict this behavior
To your own home
Or one of the many bars that are available for your convenience
Joe’s Bar and Grille has a wonderful nude mud-wresting contest on Thursday nights by the way
Now for your spiritual needs
We have an abundance of churches for you to choose from
Of course, we are a predominantly Christian community
As our Lord Jesus Christ said,
“Anyone who doesn’t believe in me is going to hell.”
But we do believe in religious tolerance
So if you want to go to one of those other weird churches
You go right ahead
But if you have to do that annoying chanting
Or wear those funny turbans
Again, please, keep it indoors, okay?
Ah, but I can see by your business suit, sir
That you’re not one of those people
We love businessmen here
If your income is at least 6 figures
We can recommend several golf and country clubs with all the
Amenities for today’s movers and shakers
Why Millionaire Acres on the South side
Even has a team of black shoe shine boys to meet your every need.
Oops, I should have said “men”
Shoe shine “men”
I do want to be politically correct
So again, we want to extend our warmest and most sincere
Welcome
To one and all.
We hope you will spend many long and happy years with us here in
Suburbia, USA
Thank you. Thank you so much.
And please
Do help yourself to the free coffee and cookies on your way out.
Oh
There aren’t any cookies left
Oh
Oh well.
(Previously published in Mouthing the Muse, Nov 1999)
Laurence Overmire
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534.
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What Do You Think About Blobbity Blah Blah Blah?
It is so important to have an opinion, these days
And make sure everyone knows
You have an opinion.
If your opinion is strong enough
And your mouth is of ample size to express it
Someone, somewhere will put
You and your opinion
On TV
It doesn't matter how stupid your opinion
How ill-informed or how ridiculous
Your opinion is
All that really matters is that you be
Absolutely rigid
In your opinion, so unwavering
That not even six fat brawling bimbos
From The Jerry Springer Show
Could sway you and your opinion.
And in my opinion
That's why it is so important
That we continue to search for
Intelligent life in the universe.
(Previously published in Nuvein, Feb.2000, Issue 7)
Laurence Overmire
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535.
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What to Say to Those Pesky Relatives
Sorry, thanks but
I didn’t create
Your World
And I really don’t care
To be) included (
In it.
(Previously published in Panic! Brixton Poetry, Oct.2000)
Laurence Overmire
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536.
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Whatever Happened to Phil?
I saw his face tumbling around in the washing machine
Bubbles coming out of his nose
A sock in his mouth
His girlfriend’s bra twisted around his curly hair
Like an octopus sucking the life out of a weasel fish.
And to think
Once he was a regular guy
Who went bowling on Friday nights.
(Previously published in Lucid Moon Spring 2000, #9)
Laurence Overmire
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